Thoughts

Although I want to have a daily post that reflects my progress and documents my eating/exercise habits, I'd also like to have a place to document how I'm feeling, my frustrations, my triumphs, my victories and failures. So throughout this blog there will also be posts titled "thoughts"-- where I just share.

Eight months used to feel like such a long time to me. I used to look at eight months and think that it was plenty of time to lose weight and get in shape. It seems that as the years go by, time goes by faster and faster-- and now with just eight months before the wedding, I feel like it is just around the corner, and I'm panicking. I feel as though it is way to close to make the full transformation that I'd like to make. I'm optimistic, but not like I used to be. I used to envision a fit/lean body at the end-- now I envision not what I want, but something better than what I have. Realism I suppose, but depressing nonetheless. 

I also worry day in and day out. I just think I waited too long. Wishing I'd have really dove into this process two years ago like I had wanted to.  If I had, I could just learn new healthy habits and not really worry about the progress or scale, so long as in the long-term changes could be seen. Now I feel as though it is so late in the game that I need weekly results or I'll fall behind.

For instance, when I weighed in on December 30th and was 172.2, I thought "great, I'll be in the 160's in a week!" But here we are, two weeks later and I'm 173.2-- something I hadn't planned on and suddenly my goals seem like they're unrealistic. If this is a momentary stall, then I can still stay on track. If it isn't and this is the rate at which I'll be losing, I have no chance at my end goal.

There's something I haven't mentioned about the wedding, either. Something that makes weight-loss more important than it probably should be-- it's a summer wedding, and it's casual, at a lake, and will involve swimming. This means I will be in a bikini at my wedding. A lot of pressure-- there's no slimming dress that can disguise these sins.  I'm sure if I lose any weight people will say that I look good. But I don't want to look "good for me," I want to look good in the grand scheme of things-- good in comparison with the world.

A three day weekend ought to do me some good. I'd like to get out and go hiking somewhere. Exercising outside just feels better. I feel like one of those REI-going, granola-eating, productive people who are healthy and live great lives--with their mud rooms and their german shephards-- their fruit bowls and french presses-- their bath robes and bike racks. I want to be one of THOSE people.